For Her

It seems strange, how I haven't written about you. Poets would kill for a muse like you. Authors search for you in their characters. Maybe the reason is that I think you're too good for this blog. It's about kissing boys and break ups and girls made of glitter. You are this thing of beauty. My head in your lap as I tell you about everything I'm trying to become. Your fingers through my hair, your fragile nails. In my eyes, you are everything.
And it's about damn time people knew.

You were my first muse. You watched me from the window as I built houses for the fairies and you held me when they never came. When the terror took me in the night you ran up the stairs as soon as I started screaming. You laid couch cushions on the floor by your bed and held my hand until I stopped shaking and closed my eyes.
You taught me about God. You were there the first few times I talked to him and now He and I have our own late night conversations. We talk about you, mostly.
I don't know how the world may see me but I know that to you, I am beautiful. And I am strong. And I know how to love, because of you.

We conquered the world together. Annabelle was always crying and Ethan was throwing fits. Dad was never home. Danielle was states away and Costner was sick. Everything was shattering and the pieces were covering the floors. We walked on our tiptoes and promised each other it wouldn't be like this forever.
Working late hours and wondering where all the money kept going. Welfare checks and church members leaving bags of ill-fitting clothes on the doorstep. Broken hearts and moments of hopelessness. Screaming and crying and wanting it to be over.
Only you could make me miss all that.
Because even when everything was bad, we were ok. You'd come home and we would eat dinner on the couch. Making fun of all the guys on The Bachelorette and running to the store to buy Chunky Monkey. Sleepovers and late night talks. You made me love our little life. The way you squeal when you get excited and the way we grunt instead of talking sometimes. Dancing and singing in the kitchen. Road trips and disasters. Days off, burning in the sun.

Without you I wouldn't know how to laugh. I mean really laugh. Can't breathe, red in the face, falling over, laughter. I wouldn't be nearly as weird as I am, and that would be a shame. For us, happiness wasn't something that came along in life once in a while and then left us alone. We found it and we clung to it even when sadness was pounding on the door.
Kids always grow up to be disappointed in their parents. The realization that they aren't perfect leaves them wondering if anything is as it seemed. But to me, you are everything I want to be. Growing older only made me love you more. You held us up when we couldn't be strong. You made sure we knew that we were worth something.

You are love in its purest form.

Now you're far away and some days I would give anything to see you. To listen to you laugh at all my stupid jokes. To play with your hair and tell you over and over that everything is going to be ok. You are the blood in my veins, and if people look deep enough into my eyes they will see you.

Mother, in my eyes, you are everything.